When it comes to cataclysmic meltdowns, the Illinois Republican Party is third only to Chernobyl and the Chicago Cubs. Coming off the heels of former Gov. George Ryan’s indictment on corruption charges, a sex scandal caused Republican-primary-winner Jack Ryan to drop out of the race in July. Even without the bad publicity, the GOP already was facing the monumental task of defeating Democrat Barack Obama with only one viable option – Mike Ditka.

But “Da Coach” refused to be “Da Candidate,” despite his ability to finance his own campaign and to appeal to urban constituencies. Also, if Vice President Dick Cheney had thrown any four-letter words at him, Ditka would’ve rushed the podium and thrown him to the ground like a cheetah would a zebra, with his teeth around the veep’s jugular.

When Ditka declined the candidacy in mid-July, the GOP, obviously unconcerned with rebuilding its integrity, chose Maryland resident and former U.S. ambassador Alan Keyes to replace Ryan. Keyes has name recognition, but that’s about it. A non-Illinois resident whose radical stances alienate more Republicans every day is not the type of person with whom you want to begin an image makeover. Did anyone take Keyes seriously when he said, “Christ would not vote for Barack Obama,” or when he compared Obama’s views on abortion to “the slaveholder’s position?”

This weekend, Keyes’ antics continued when he said incest was “inevitable” for children raised by same-sex couples. I’m not sure if he was serious or joking around, but the definitive joke will be on Election Day, when Obama could win up to 80 percent of the vote. Republicans have to feel slighted because it appears their party is making more of a mockery of itself than anything else. The GOP should have done a better job of selecting a well-known candidate who also has connections with the state.

In response to the GOP’s decision, here’s a list I put together of people with Illinois ties – regardless of party affiliation – who I honestly believe would’ve been able to leave the Illinois GOP with at least some dignity.

n Jerry Springer – This trash-TV mogul has made millions off the syndication of his long-running, Chicago-stationed show. He also has previous political experience as mayor of Cincinnati. Every day, Jerry deals with tough issues such as “Sexy Secret Hookers” and “I’m Lovin’ my Cousin,” so handling a debate on campaign-

finance reform should be a breeze for this sultan of sleaze.

n Oprah Winfrey – When it comes to the talk-show genre, Oprah is a world away from Jerry. Yet, they are geographically separated by only a few city blocks. Oprah could bring a strong work ethic to the floor of the U.S. Senate. However, dueling senators might be subjected to “counseling” from relationship expert Dr. Phil.

n Cindy Crawford – This Illinois native currently lives on the coast (both of them). If Hillary Clinton can run for U.S. Senate in a state that she has no ties with, then Cindy can certainly run in the state in which she grew up. Plus, Cindy is hot. Plenty of men would vote for her based on this fact alone. But while debating issues, if another senator asks her to take a stance, she might have a tendency to strike a pose instead.

n John Cusack – Much like men with Cindy Crawford, many women would vote for Cusack based on his attractiveness alone. Unfortunately, Cusack tends to play pathetic, whiny losers in his movies (if you’ve seen High Fidelity, you know what I’m talking about), and this could lead to him being a pathetic, whiny senator. If the Illinois GOP has a whiny loser in the U.S. Senate, its credibility could decline and the party could lose its way.

Then again, they won’t have to worry about that because it’s already happened – and the worst might still be yet to come.

Chris Kozak is a senior in LAS. His column runs Wednesday. He can be reached at [email protected].