February 29th has drunkenly stumbled near,

And with it comes the inebriation shindig you hold dear.

Forty-eight hours of a belligerent crunk-fest,

A green Irish party dubbed better than the rest.

Heed this warning, those who may not be sober,

Your years of “stickin” it to us are officially over.

We’ve decided to take some drastic measures

And finally end your plastered pleasure.

Your hooligan friends in dorms are banned,

Failure to produce an i-card and you’ll be canned.

Like a prison all residence halls will be locked

So don’t try to sneak in, you’ll surely be blocked.

And you apartment dwellers can have your green eggs,

Seasoned with puke chunks brought on from the kegs.

If you dare take a few drinks and go to class,

Our police will find you and lay the SMACKDOWN on your butt.

So today get hammered and celebrate,

We’ll hunt you down and seal your fate.

What caused this sudden departure from inaction, you ask?

No, it wasn’t a swig from a silver flask.

Nor was it a sweet cocktail made in the tub.

The root is the day’s legendary hubbub.

Stories of ruckus and chaos filling the streets,

Green puke and urine with heads did meet.

Disruption in class everywhere ran wild,

Sloshed students acting like Flavor Flav’s love child.

We were once college students so we know how you think,

And we’ve done everything to curb ways that you drink.

No shots, no pitchers and cups made of paper

With hopes of ending wasted capers.

But somehow every year nothing changes,

And with angry critics we share exchanges.

This year is different, we’ve taken the next stride,

Our harsh underage drinking rules you’ll have to abide.

Your holiday is now coming to an end

The drunken vacation is done, my friend.

For God’s sake this is an institution of higher learning,

We can’t fathom why booze is your prime yearning.

Wake up and drain the alcohol from your head.

Playtime’s over, Unofficial is dead.

Warnings about Unofficial:

Last Unofficial, a whopping 162 students were slapped with tickets for underage drinking. Ironically, the lines at bars at 11 a.m. also had at least 162 underage drinkers. Great police work!

Just because it’s the 29th of February does not mean that you can go all out, since this Leap Year Unofficial only happens once every gazillion years. That’s just stupid.

When walking the street avoid suspicion of being drunk by not kicking police officers, resisting the temptation to use projectile vomit as a greeting and screaming, “I’m DRRRRRUNK, this is freakin’ Unofficial!”

Beware of students from other schools wandering aimlessly on foot or in vehicles with friends who are inebriated, in search of hotels and other places to spend the night. They really have no idea where they’re going.

Chancellor Richard Herman has suggested that bars only allow people 21 or over in, and that the bars stay closed until 5 p.m. He is now both the most hated, and most loved man at the University of Illinois.

If you are visiting from another university, it may surprising, but as I said last year, the University of Illinois can be “sweet as hell” on days besides Unofficial.

Use your common sense.

It’s that time of year again, where students enjoy waking up at 6 a.m. and dressing like leprechauns. It’s Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day.

The 11th anniversary of sticking it to the man promises to be bigger and badder than ever, stretching to two days of drunken merrymaking.

The monumental battle continues. A mob of students who enjoy binge drinking and mass intoxication are pitted against officials who seem to think college drinking issues only exist one day of the year.