Today is election day. We did just have a rather huge one a few months ago, but this is the important one, the one that decides our fate as students – where hopefuls from every college engage in a momentous struggle to come up with the most creative signs or slogans that involve their names. And by “important,” “decides our fate,” and “momentous struggle,” I really mean the election that you probably didn’t even realize was today until, well, today.

It’s not that you are apathetic; it’s just that most of you have realized the incredible unimportance of student elections and just how little it will affect this university and your lives. In casting your vote and making your voice heard in this election, you are performing the necessary and tremendously important service of providing great resume fodder to all those who are victorious. Your civic duty has never been so cheap.

But I understand that there still may be some people out there who care, or who at least are trying to care. After all, your student trustee gives you one-third of a voice on the board. With that in mind, I will run down the candidates for trustee to help you make an informed decision. I am not going to do senate candidates, as there are far too many, and those elections are even less important, if that’s possible. So, in no particular order, here are the candidates for trustee.

Dan Weber is ‘the Man,’ probably because his first name is Dan. But why he is the man, I’m not sure, since there are five other men in the race. If I were one of the other candidates I would be a bit offended, as it seems he is challenging their masculinity or maybe pulling a Schwarzenegger and saying they’re all girly men.

Roberto Martell is best. Mainly because he can shorten his first name to just Berto. Or it may be because he is the current president of Students for Chief Illiniwek and the current student trustee was past president of SFCI. He also likes what you like, anything you like.

Matt Reschke is the key. What exactly he is ‘the key’ to, I’m not quite sure. Born in Australia, raised in South Africa and Canada, this continent-hopping, tall-ship-sailing candidate currently leads all other candidates in number of members on his campaign’s Facebook page. New slogan: vote for Matt because he can’t run for president.

Martin St. Aubin is a saint, literally, and he wants you to elect a saint. Being a saint requires two miracles. St. Aubin campaign, please have someone send proof of miracles. Until then it is just Martin Venerable Aubin. He does win the prize for best picture in a campaign’s Facebook group. It’s all about the glasses.

Chris Cox and his campaign love Cox. Get it? His signs make making fun of his campaign pointless.

Yet, he still got this paper’s endorsement – probably the first time a paper has endorsed a candidate for any office whose slogan involved a crude sexual pun.

And finally there is Chris Chung, the man without a slogan or catchphrase. He is obviously the least qualified candidate for office. How can we expect him to represent the interests of students if he doesn’t even bother to come up with a clever, name-rhyming slogan? We should expect more from our trustee candidates.

Those are all of your candidates. Now you can make an informed decision about who is going to represent you on the board, or you can still not care.

That’s what I’ll do because, as most realize, this position is just a bone that those in charge throw to students to make them think they have a voice. The Daily Illini has endorsed a candidate for the position. For your vote, go ahead and write in what you actually think:

“Seriously, who cares?”

Jordan ‘the Man’ is a junior in MCB. He’s no girly man.