10 things to do before KAM’s closes
October 14, 2019
These upcoming weeks are the last to get in all the fun you can at KAM’s, the most well known bar on campus closing on Daniel Street as the location changes. I’ve created a list of things you must do to soak up all the fun you can before they shutter its doors.
Step number one of a night to remember: The second you walk through those doors, you need to head straight to the bar and order a drink. Once this drink comes, tip the bartender, take a step away from the bar and stick your hand into that plastic solo cup. Maybe before you stick your hands deep in that drink, say “cheers” with friends to celebrate one of your last times “icing out” a drink at KAM’s. Of course, dump that ice on the floor because that’s where it belongs and chug. Make sure to finish the whole drink because you haven’t properly iced out unless you feel on the edge of puking afterward.
The next step is to head right back to that bar, and order the most famous drink at KAM’s: a Blue Guy. An Orange Guy is also an acceptable option, but the other attendees might judge you. Now, once you’ve secured your drink (or two drinks if you’re feeling rowdy), it’s time to take plenty of pictures with it. So, make sure you’ve put on your cutest outfit and get ready for some selfies. Hold that cup high, maybe try to balance it on your head; it doesn’t matter as long as you memorialize that moment. These pictures will be some of the things you’ll be showing your grandchildren as you think wistfully of the best days (and nights) of your life.
The third step: Take your Blue Guy outside and pose in front of the Alma Mater mural. This is an absolute must, as no night is complete without an Instagram post in front of that glorious wall. To successfully complete this step, you have to push everyone out of your way to get the perfect shot and find an stranger to take it so you and all of your friends can make it in. There is a small (greater than 80%) chance that whoever is taking this shot is going to create some artistically blurry pics, so make sure to look at those pictures before.
It’s still early in the night, so step four is to wade through the swamp of a floor and head to the stage. There are only a few days left in this beautiful place, so it is not the time to be embarrassed. Therefore, this is the time to take a deep breath, step up onto that stage and bust a move. Now, you need to give your audience a show, so make sure you use some classic dance moves such as the disco, sprinkler and grapevine. Then, once you’ve run out of classic moves, invent some of your own until you feel like your feet will fall off. You had better be plenty sweaty before you step down from that stage, but once you do, head to the bar. You’ve earned this next drink.
After that, it’s probably time to head to the bathroom. For this step, there is a crucial item you must bring with you: a Sharpie. With this in hand, head to the long line filled with drunk people complaining about how badly they have to pee. After what could be considered a decade, you’ll reach the front of the line and head into the stall. After you’ve locked the door (or tried to), checked for toilet paper and given your friend your phone so it doesn’t drop in the toilet, pull out that Sharpie. This is your moment to shine. It’s your time to add to the graffiti-covered stalls. Make sure your note is good; don’t choose something basic like a heart with you and your bestie’s names in it. Create something masterful while you pee, then take a picture so you can remember tomorrow.
OK, post-bathroom, it’s time to get another drink. But this time, once you reach the bar you need to find something you can carve your name into it with. This is crucial because it’s rumored they’re bringing the bar counters to the new location, so it’s time to make your mark now. To do this, you need to shoulder your way into a good spot where you can get to the bar and do some damage. Your name doesn’t have to be beautiful to shine, it just has to be there. One day, when you visit your alma mater, you can show your friends just how fun you were by pointing this out.
Alright, we’ve moved on to step seven, and this step involves a trash can. There are two ways to complete this step, but either way, you must be by a trash can. So, take your friends, your drink and yourself over to the nearest one. Celebrate making it over to this corner of the bar unharmed with a cheers, then ice that drink out. Immediately after icing out, don’t stop your urge to regurgitate that horribly mixed drink, but instead, let it out right into that trash can. If you happen to be a drinking champ who never pukes, make sure you stay by that trash can until you witness someone throwing up their purely liquid dinner. A night out is not complete unless something vile happens.
There are ten steps to this night, and we are only on step eight, so don’t stop here. You can’t have the night of your life by quitting early, but maybe you do need a break. So, take yourself downstairs and sit on those benches. There is absolutely no logic to this step, but in a few days, those benches won’t exist anymore, so it’s critical that you soak your last minutes upon them. Plus, the bench is a good place to prop up whichever friend successfully completed step seven.
We’re almost there now: It’s step nine. Make sure you’ve taken a break for as long as you need to keep going, then head back upstairs and outside. Once outside, it’s time to locate someone who is holding a cigarette. It’s time for a drunk cigarette. Approach this gentleman or gentlewoman and politely ask for a smoke. If they seem to be uninterested in your plea, you can tell them about the night you are having and how this is a pivotal moment. Hopefully, that earns you a cigarette. If not, I’m sure there are plenty of other people out there who you could approach. As soon you’ve secured a cigarette, hold it between your fingers like you’re a pro because tonight you’re a pro. You’ve made it to step nine, and once you’ve stubbed out that cigarette, you’re on your way to the final step of the night.
Unfortunately, if you’re in a relationship, step 10 might not work for you. This is because step 10 is kissing a stranger. But, if you’re as free as can be, you need to set your eyes on an attractive person and head over to woo them. This kiss does not need to happen at midnight. Instead, it’s probably best if this happens closer to around 2 a.m. After you’ve magically flirted your way straight into this person’s heart, reach up and kiss them. It doesn’t have to be a long kiss, but longer is better. After this kiss is over, it’s finally time for you and your pals to drunkenly stumble out of the bar and head home. Or, if you’re really feeling it, hang around until the bar closes (that is the bonus step, saved only for experts).
Congratulations on your fantastic night! I hope you had the chance to get in everything you’ve ever wanted here and more. If something was missing from the night, the new KAM’s will be opening soon and ready for you to drink, dance and wish you’d remembered the whole night the next morning.
Bella is a junior in LAS.