Dear American sports fans,

Now that hockey is officially six feet under the ice, there is an open slot for the fourth major sport in the country. Now, I don’t know who it was who said you needed to have four major sports (maybe it was the same guy who said you needed to have 10 HBOs), but dammit that’s just how it is in the USA. And right now, you only have three.

That’s where I come in. If you do what’s right, you’ll make me the next major sport. I just know I’m the right candidate for the job.

I know all the big dogs – baseball, basketball and football – were born in your country. And I wasn’t. But neither was Anna Kournikova and you seem to like her just fine.

Besides, I’m pretty cool. Ask Steve Nash – he’ll tell you. Had it not been for me, the wiry Phoenix Suns point guard would never have gotten to participate in the slam-dunk contest at this year’s All-Star game in Denver. But as it was, Nash helped buddy Amare Stoudamire complete one of the most creative dunks in the contest’s history. Nash knocked the ball off his head to Stoudamire, who threw it down. Nash learned that skill growing up playing me.

Talk to the Super Bowl champion New England Patriots – they know how cool I am. Their kicker Adam Vinatieri, a.k.a. The Tom Brady of Kickers, grew up playing me. How else do you think he learned to kick a ball true enough that it would sail perfectly straight 45 yards through a near-blizzard late in the fourth quarter of a divisional playoff game in 2001? All me.

Still not convinced I’m the one? Ask the Chicago Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra. He’s in love with a woman who practically lives and breathes me. He married Mia Hamm in 2003, and she apparently played a big role in Nomar hanging around the Windy City for another year. Cubs fans, you gotta give me some love for that.

So now you know I get along well with the other major sports. Actually, they seem to need me.

But let me tell you a little more about myself so you can be 100 percent sure I’m the best candidate to be crowned that illustrious title of Fourth Major American Sport.

First of all, no commercial breaks or TV timeouts. I am played using a running clock, so viewers don’t wind up wasting their time watching Viagra ads or listening to half-wit commentators fill airtime with their misguided theories.

Players have to make decisions spontaneously. Besides halftime, there is little opportunity for a coach to dictate a strategy during a game.

Every goal can make or break a game, which means when a player does score the celebration is usually special. The best celebration is when one player pretends to polish the boot of a teammate who just scored.

My players give their moves cool names like rainbow and scissors and bicycle and nutmeg.

And I know how you Americans just love your cards. Well, I’ve got two of them – a yellow one and a red one. And players don’t have the chance to fold these cards. You get what you deserve and are then stuck with it.

I am no less unisex than a piano.

And the rest of the world loves me.

But you want to know the No. 1 reason you have to make me Numero Cuatro?

Because if you choose NASCAR over me, the Apocalypse won’t be able to wait much longer.

Yours truly,

Soccer