Introducing your new head football coach: Kevin McCarthy

By Kevin McCarthy, Illini columnist

As I’m sure you have all heard by now, the goof that coached our football team for a while got fired.

Some fans want interim head coach Bill Cubit to be the long-term head coach for the Illini, others are looking to hot names like Western Michigan’s PJ Fleck or Alabama’s Lane Kiffin. While it makes sense to look to experienced, proven coaches like the names listed above, I don’t think the athletic administration needs to look past its own campus to find its next head coach.

Why not hire a student?

Why not hire me?

I think I’d be pretty good at it. Here’s my list of the top-10 reasons why — as a representative of the student body — I should be the next head football coach for the Illini.

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10. I’ve played A LOT of EA Sports Madden football over the years. I started with Madden 99 on Nintendo 64 and haven’t stopped playing since — how different could the real deal be? I come with 15 years of virtual football experience. Unlike any other candidates, I’ve grown up in a digital football age.

9. Let’s face it — I could use the money. Have you seen tuition costs here? They’re ridiculous. Coach Beckman was set to make $1.8 million in 2015. My agent and I are willing to settle for half of that right now. Fifty percent off — that’s a screaming deal.

8. I bleed orange and blue. This has my doctors very concerned, but I think it sets me apart from the other candidates. This program needs a coach that has pride in the University. I can be that guy.

7. I look fabulous in a visor and headset. Any good football coach has to be able to pull off the visor-headset-look. Wouldn’t you rather see my long, luscious locks underneath that navy blue visor rather than some old geezer with gray hair?

6. I really could use a transportation upgrade. Both Tim Beckman and his wife received University-owned vehicles. I’m not married, so that’ll save the football program some cash, and I’m not even asking for a car. I’m just hoping for one of those mopeds that Illini football players have. It would serve as a significant upgrade from my blue 1994 Schwinn bicycle.

5. I can yell louder than anyone I know. While this is a difficult one to prove in a print article, I can assure you that it’s true. Every successful football coach needs a good set of pipes — and I can yell and scream with the best of ‘em.

4. I would love the membership to Champaign Country Club. As part of his contract benefits, the University paid for Tim Beckman’s membership at the club. Now that Beckman’s got plenty of time on his hands, I’m sure he’s looking for a playing partner. Sure, it might be a little awkward since I will have taken his job, but it’ll be fun. Maybe his wife can prepare us lasagna afterwards.

3. I already have four years of head coaching experience as the powderpuff football coach at my high school. Beckman made the jump from the University of Toledo to the University of Illinois — so it’s not too much different.

2. My mom said I should give it a try — she says I’d be good at it. Reference No. 1, check.

1. Compared to the other candidates, I’ve got youth on my side. Teams always talk about how they want a young, energized coach to revitalize the program. Makes sense to me. I’m 19 years old, easily the youngest candidate, so let’s make a deal.

The ball is in your court, Illinois. I’ll be dropping off my application later today.

Kevin is a sophomore in Media.
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