The narwhals speak

On behalf of the Narwhals Opposing the Threat of Applied Negativity Association, I wish to comment on the Feb. 21 comic. You must excuse my tardiness in response as the mailing system off the coast of Greenland is simply not what it used to be. As for the comic, it’s bad enough that Norwegian whalers have had it in for us for the past 500 years, but now I’m appalled by the media onslaught perpetrated by this newspaper.

Normally, we are content to swim our waters and dine on halibut; however, we certainly keep our “Eff’n” to a minimum. While I will admit that some in our association have had experience with such “Eff’n”, it is certainly not the norm. I am willing to Gideon Bartovwager that you took no formal survey of narwhals to see exactly how many of us are “Eff’n”.

Just as we were shaking off the slander of “Norman the Nautically Challenged Narwhal,” we see this cartoon fictitiously advertising that we are all “50 percent dolphin, 50 percent unicorn, 100 percent awesome.” First off, my parents were both narwhals. In fact, only 9 percent of our members share any relation with unicorns, and only 30 percent are of dolphin descent; so this is by no means commonplace. For the concerned, I’ll have you know that there are only 100 percentage points to assign. We are not some outrageously bulbous magical creatures as to contain a full extra hundred percent. And, simply for your information, I’ll have you know my mother was born with only 50 percent awesome, and as such I take great offense to the assumption.

While I assume the comic was in jest, understand that words hurt. I hope that one day, we could accept others’ differences, and in doing so, make sure there is nothing funny ever again.

, junior LAS

Max Schoenoff, freshman FAA