As the old adage goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, unless you have an 800-word column to write.” It is in this spirit that I recap spring semester 2008, which we would all like to forget, but not until after reading this piece. After all, The Daily Illini needs to sell more advertisements to bus companies trying to convey the important transportation-related message that their competitors would sell you to a tribe of cannibals if the opportunity presented itself.

JANUARY

The Fighting Illini football team plays USC in the Rose Bowl. All eyes in the nation are on the game until midway through the first quarter, when USC takes a seven-touchdown lead, at which point all eyes in the nation turn to “Seinfeld” reruns.

University officials are too modest to claim the new “Global Campus” a success, even though the program’s first semester attracts upward of 12 students. This wins the approval of campus environmental activists, as all the computing power necessary to run Global Campus can be found in a Gameboy. “If we can get enrollment down to the single digits,” says a University representative, “we could run it on a Sanio wristwatch.”

A statewide ban on smoking in most public places causes business at campus bars to drop, not because smokers are staying home, but because without thick smoke filling the room, there is no excuse for the taste of Miller Lite.

FEBRUARY

Although tuition increases and pedestrian safety are not big enough topics to unite the University, a heartwarming scene unfolds at the Assembly Hall as all students join together to inform Indiana guard Eric Gordon that he is a worthless scum-sucking cretin, only in less amiable terms. Illinois center Shaun Pruitt feels so bad for Gordon, he intentionally misses 37 potential game-winning free throws at the end of regulation and overtime.

Paul Schmitt, junior in political science, falls behind in the race for student trustee when The Daily Illini is required to print Schmitt’s former Illini Media Company employment every time they mention him. But the DI seals Schmitt’s victory when the paper grants its endorsement to Schmitt’s opponent.

Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day is held Feb. 29. The campus is having a great time by about 10:30 a.m., though nobody has any recollection of anything happening between that time and about 4 p.m. the following Sunday, when the campus wakes up next to that ugly chick from Sociology 150.

MARCH

Registration for the campus emergency text message alert service skyrockets, though a Department of Psychology study reveals this is largely due to students with post-traumatic stress from watching the Rose Bowl.

JuicyCampus.com, a Web site that allows college students to anonymously post vicious gossip about each other without fear of legal recourse, surprisingly does not go away, even though every media outlet in the country reports that it’s a Web site where college students can post vicious gossip about each other without fear of legal recourse.

Despite having the second-worst record in Big Ten conference play, the Illini men’s basketball team does not win the Big Ten basketball tournament. The Illini make it to the championship game of the tournament, but are disappointed when they lose to Wisconsin on national television by 13 points, when the football team was able to lose the Rose Bowl by many, many more points than that.

APRIL

A standoff between the Student Election Commission and the Student Senate nearly results in no election for student body president. Under Student Senate bylaws, in the event no election for president can be held, everyone must stop acting self-important and cease pretending the Student Senate actually does anything. Eventually the Student Senate elects President Jaclyn O’Day, who had the electoral benefit of not receiving The Daily Illini’s endorsement.

An earthquake with a 5.2 magnitude rocks Southern Illinois, causing upward of $7 worth of damage. The earthquake catches many students unprepared because The Daily Illini had predicted a volcano.

For the first month all semester, no major Illinois sports team embarrasses the University on national TV. This is mainly because none of them have any games nationally broadcast. “You have to start somewhere,” points out Athletic Director Ron Guenther.

Students For Chief Illiniwek names Logan Ponce the new Chief Illiniwek. His duties will include not performing at halftime of women’s basketball games, not performing at halftime of men’s basketball games and not performing at halftime of football games. “It’s part of our heritage,” Ponce tells the News-Gazette.

MAY

Finally, in May the University men’s and women’s tennis teams qualified for their respective NCAA tournaments. The University braces for the worst, but order is restored when it is revealed that the tournaments will not be nationally broadcast.

Scott is a second-year law student. He means no offense to quick-tempered members of the football team, if any are literate.