‘Please, people. Somebody write this.’

By Andy Seifert

I am not a columnist. I don’t write opinions. Yet, The Daily Illini staff was desperate. “Please, people. Somebody write these columns,” Metro Editor Nick Escobar told the staff while we discussed the summer section. “Don’t worry about it. Nobody reads the summer section.”

So I volunteered. Like I said, I am no columnist. I am, however, a fortuneteller (unbeknownst to my friends and family). And so I present a comprehensive prediction of all the major events to come this summer.

May 18: Gwyneth Paltrow, with her new baby boy named “Moses,” somehow manages to have another boy. His name: “Zordon.”

May 25: In his first start of the year, Chicago Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood is struck in the face by a line drive and is out for two months.

“That’s a shame,” says Cubs manager Dusty Baker.

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June 1: President Bush misspeaks, saying, “Iraq’s nuclear program must be shutdown.” Stubbornly refusing to admit he meant Iran, the United States invades Iraq … again.

June 3: Alec Baldwin, in protest of the second invasion of Iraq, tells CNN, “Seriously, this time I really am going to move to Canada. Honestly.”

June 16: James Augustine surprisingly withdraws from the NBA draft. On the same day, the Illini mysteriously recruit incoming freshmen Aames Jugustine, a shaggy-haired forward, reportedly from Croatia.

June 18: The Chicago Bulls win the NBA finals … somehow, but Michael Jordan is disappointed. “The Bulls deserved to win,” he says, “But my heart will forever be with the Washington Wizards.”

June 29: ExxonMobil stunningly buys Disney. Included in the terms of the buyout: Disney must create a “gas-friendly” character, Gasolina the Humveena, and Goofy must have a romantic relationship with her.

“I’m willing to venture gas prices will plummet for consumers because of this,” Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson, says.

July 1: Tillerson is right, and gas prices drop four cents, down to $3.84 a gallon.

July 14: Sean “Diddy” Combs, faced with sagging record sales, changes his name to Sean “50 cent” Combs. 50 cent, in retaliation, changes his name to “Puff Daddy.” Confused fans of both artists accidentally buy millions of Prince records.

July 25: Disappointed Harry Potter fans find out J.K. Rowling will not be writing the seventh and final Harry Potter book.

“I think I tied up everything nicely in the sixth book,” Rowling says.

The next day, Rowling spends most of her fortune purchasing the country of El Salvador and the world’s only fully functional light saber.

July 29: In a stunning turn of events, the Chicago Cubs acquire free agent Roger Clemens. Upon getting off his flight at O’Hare, Clemens breaks his leg and is out for two to three months.

“Tough luck,” says Dusty Baker, shaking his head.

August 3: North Korea “accidentally” tests its nuclear bomb on the South Korean mainland.

“My bad,” says North Korean President Kim Jong-Il.

August 4: President Bush vows to retaliate against North Korea with “even stronger rhetoric.” North Korea is now grouped with an “eviler, meaner” axis of evil, along with MSNBC and Satan.

August 13: The UC Senate passes another resolution vowing to “eliminate Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day . somehow.” Thousands of students protest the move by getting drunk and peeing on the Morrow Plots.

August 20: University scientists discover a new kind of “super corn” growing on the Morrow Plots, three times the size of regular corn and with the potential to cure cancer. When asked about this, drunken students reply, “Hey man, you wanna go to IHOP? You, me, IHOP. Let’s do it.”

And thus the summer ends. But no fear, readers, I have plenty of plausible predictions when the fall comes around. Among them: President Bush has a hilarious relationship with a talking horse and I get fired from the DI.