This column is totally gay

By Scott Green

Straight people have no clue what’s going on in the gay community. I base this observation solely on the fact that I have no clue what’s going on in the gay community, and I am straight. Regardless of what my grandmother thinks.

For example, I am completely out of touch with the gay sports scene. According to a real article written by French press agency AFP, Team Argentina won the 10th annual Gay World Cup in September. This news was extremely unsettling, because I had $400 on Portugal.

The International Gay and Lesbian Football Association hosts the event, which determines the best gay soccer team in the world. The article raises many interesting questions, such as: How do they make sure all the players are gay?

The Gay World Cup proves that the stereotype of gays as a bunch of overly effeminate girly men is unrealistic and offensive, an inaccurate portrayal whose time is up, with the exception of the transvestite cheerleaders. (There was a lovely photograph of four pom-pom waving, miniskirt-wearing cheerleaders with the article.) Despite this, the Gay World Cup is still less effeminate than the real World Cup.

In other Argentinean news, Latin America’s first five-star gay resort, the Axel Hotel, opened this month in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I learned this from foxnews.com, despite the Axel Hotel’s lack of any obvious connection to the War on Terror. The hotel expects 25 percent of its business to come from straight people. Just go to its Web site, which, under a number of photographs of nude males, features the hotel’s actual slogan, “heterofriendly.”

I am not saying gays should not be allowed to have their own resorts. I am simply suggesting that, if while researching a column I open that resort’s Web site in the College of Law’s crowded library, naked men should not gyrate across my screen.

I am also out of touch with gays in entertainment. Until recently, I incorrectly thought all the original Village People members were gay. The two straight ones were Victor Willis, who played the cop, and Glenn Hughes, who played – you can look this up if you don’t believe me – the BIKER. It was probably great cover for Hughes, if he needed to end a relationship without hurting the other person’s feelings. “Aw, sweetie, you’re a great girl and all, but it’s just that – you know – I’m the biker from the Village People.” What woman isn’t going to understand that?

Society assuming straight celebrities are gay is nothing new. Who can forget Nathan Lane’s masterful turn in 1996’s “The Birdcage” as a South Beach drag queen? A lot of people believed Lane was gay after that performance, including his longtime boyfriend.

Then there is Sen. Larry Craig from Idaho, a very straight congressman who famously played a gay person in a men’s restroom at the Minneapolis airport. Craig says, of course, that he was not soliciting an inappropriate liaison; he contends he was merely choreographing a tap dance number for his off-off-Broadway musical, “Gays and Dolls.” (The song in question: “The Shortest Distance Between Two Men is a Rainbow.”)

But the important thing is: Sen. Craig says he is not gay. I imagine gay people are perfectly happy with this, because Craig is probably not very good at soccer. Also the whole scandal has to be very useful when the senator has to break up with a female mistress, of whom he is issued a semi-harem upon taking his congressional oath of office: “You’re a great girl and all, but it’s just that – you know – I’m Larry Craig.”

There’s a lot more to gay culture than I can cover in one column, of course. I’d write more about it if I had time, but I have tickets for a certain off-off-Broadway musical.