Scott Green’s profiles of the leading presidential candidates

By Scott Green

It is very important that dutiful, patriotic American citizens exercise their constitutional rights Tuesday by going to the polls and casting a ballot for whichever of the candidates is, in their opinion, the tallest.

But if, like me, you are too lazy to find out how tall the candidates are, you pretty much have no choice but to vote based on policies and proposals and blah blah blah.

So you definitely need a thoughtfully produced guide to the candidates.

Good luck finding one.

In the meantime, here are my highly researched profiles of the major contenders, written under the influence of pure journalistic integrity, by which I mean “beer.”

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Barack Obama

In one word: Black

Campaign slogan: “Black enough for black people, yet white enough for the cover of Time magazine.”

Barack Obama is the first black Illinois senator to run for president since Carol Moseley Braun in 2004, and if elected would end the white man’s run of 220 years of holding the presidency.

Leaders in the black community are constantly discussing whether or not Obama is “black enough” for them, which is unfair, since you never hear them having this discussion about, say, Mitt Romney.

He is also the youngest candidate in the election, largely because he was born most recently.

Hillary Clinton

In one word: Female

Campaign slogan: “Change for America, plus new shoes!”

Hillary Clinton is the first female senator to run for president since Carol Moseley Braun in 2004, and if elected would end the white man’s run of 220 years of holding the presidency.

Since 2001, she has proudly served as U.S. senator for whichever state was willing to elect her, though she cannot always remember precisely which state this is.

In the debates, she has come out as an avid supporter of fabulous pantsuits, a stance her male opponents have been too timid to take.

Mike Gravel

In one word: Delusional

Campaign slogan: “Yes, I am running for president. Yes, ‘of the United States.'”

Mike Gravel hoped for support amongst young people by announcing the drinking age should be lowered to 18 and that marijuana is safer than alcohol, but young people have not gotten this message, largely because they are too drunk and stoned to know the difference. Despite a poor showing in the polls, Gravel has continued in the race, largely because campaigning gives the 77-year-old candidate something to do while awaiting the icy grasp of death. His favorite food is mashed potatoes.

Out of the race:

John Edwards

In one word: Lustrous

Campaign slogan: “If you had the chance, you would have gotten a $400 haircut too.”

John Edwards is the only candidate praised by as having “outstanding gait, haunches, hindquarters, a lustrous coat and absolutely no fleas” by the Westminster Kennel Club.

Edwards doesn’t have vast political experience – he only served one term in the U.S. Senate, and to win the seat all he had to do was defeat a former hog farmer named (look this up if you don’t believe me) Lauch Faircloth.

As the Democratic vice presidential candidate in 2004, he participated in a famous debate with Dick Cheney in which Cheney caught a glimpse of his own reflection in Edwards’ teeth and melted into a puddle.

Dennis Kucinich

In one word: Miniscule

Campaign slogan: “Guys, I’m down here!”

Dennis Kucinich has proven that a man can still receive more than half of 1 percent of all votes despite constantly having to remind people that short jokes are not funny.

A small percentage of votes for a small candidate – that’s the American way.

He is the only candidate protected under the Treasure Troll Preservation Act of 1991, which provides for young children to brush his fluorescent-colored hair upward so long as he has a plastic jewel in his belly button.

Also, Kucinich is not very tall.


Mitt Romney

In one word: Mormon

Campaign slogan: “Well I think YOUR underpants are weird.”

Mitt Romney, a Mormon, is confident his religion won’t be a problem with the American electorate, who have shown their diversity over the past two centuries by electing 10 different types of Protestants. Romney headed the organizing committee for the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, a feat made more impressive by his gold medal victories in slalom and luge and a bronze in curling. Though Romney claims to abstain from drugs and alcohol, he has been unable to offer any alternate reasons why he named his oldest son “Taggart.”

Mike Huckabee

In one word: Jesus

Campaign slogan: “A vote for Huckabee is a vote for Chuck Norris not to beat the tar out of you.”

Mike Huckabee is the only presidential candidate who has written a diet book, and there is speculation that he is only running for office to launch his new workout video, “Hucka-Bo.” He is also the only candidate with a background as a preacher. Though he claims this is not an inherent advantage, “God did mention something about how anybody who doesn’t vote for me will be denied the eternal paradise of heaven.” Huckabee is a Virgo.

Herbert Hoover

In one word: Deceased

Campaign slogan: “No political scandals in over 40 years.”

Herbert Hoover spent the 75 years since the end of his first term as president mostly biding his time and dying of intestinal cancer.

To this generation, Hoover is perhaps best known as the man who, as the Berlin Wall crumbled and Communism fell, was buried in a coffin six feet beneath the earth’s surface. He is the only Republican candidate who has never spoken a single word of support for the Iraq war, and also the only one guaranteed not to cheat on his wife, because she is also dead.

John McCain

In one word: Vietnam

Campaign slogan: “If you vote for me, you can have this Werther’s Original.”

John McCain is a true military hero who was held in a Vietnamese POW camp from 1967 to 1973, though after hearing his Iraq policies most Americans believe he was only released last month.

If elected, he would be the first person over the age of 70 to ascend to the presidency, which means he would host foreign diplomats with his pants pulled up to his nipples. He has earned a reputation as a “maverick” in Washington because he sometimes cuts in line at the senior center to get his favorite seat for bingo.

Ron Paul

In one word: Ronpaul

Campaign slogan: “I unquestioningly believe the government should never interfere with citizens’ rights … except nobody gets to have an abortion.”

In honor of Ron Paul’s libertarian belief that I can do pretty much whatever I want, this is all I am going to write about him.

Out of the race:

Rudy Giuliani

In one word: Bald

Campaign slogan: “What’s that? You want to know my policies? … Hey, look over there!”

Rudy Giuliani is the only Republican on the ballot to be married exactly once, to Judith Nathan. He is also the only Republican candidate to be married exactly once to Regina Peruggi and Donna Hanover. Giuliani was named Time Magazine’s person of the year for 2001, joining the ranks of Adolf Hitler (1938), Joseph Stalin (1939), Ayatollah Khomeini (1979), and Jeff Bezos (1999). His book “Leadership” was published in 2002, and Giuliani plans to read it at some point to see just exactly what his ghostwriter said.

Fred Thompson

In one word: Actor

Campaign slogan: “In a world … where politics has become ordinary … one man seeks to be … extraordinary.”

Fred Thompson, the actor-turned-U.S. senator-turned-actor, joined the presidential race to research his role in an upcoming made-for-TV movie called “The Fred Thompson Story: Promise, Shame and Failure.” Thompson played a bumbling, incompetent air traffic controller in “Die Hard 2,” an experience he used in the debates when he realistically acted like a person with no vision for America. His withdrawal from the race was a disappointment to his supporters, though both of them have been able to cope.

Scott is a second-year law student. If elected, he would not end the white man’s run of 220 years of holding the presidency.