Editorial: In loving (or horrifying) memory of the UGL doors

Have you ever opened the Undergraduate Library doors and wondered, what could I have possibly done to deserve this awful embarrassment?

You pull, or maybe try pushing if you’re a poor, naïve freshman. You grasp, getting a firm hold, but struggle to move the cold metal more than an inch.

You keep trying. Life seems to be moving in slow motion. Your own personal horror movie is taking place right before your eyes — and you haven’t even begun studying yet.

Finally, after what seems like eons, the door opens.

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    Now, you understand the urban legends. You laugh, imagining what you must have looked like in that moment, but cry on the inside after finally breaching the doors of this pantheon of knowledge..

    We’re a school that contains 40,000 students at any given moment. Tens of thousands of engineers have walked our campus, yet none has ever thought to fix this problem, nay, this longstanding tragedy.

    Maybe the UGL was just too far of a walk, or maybe the hours upon hours of hardcore studying in Grainger distracted their bright minds from the horrors happening just five minutes south.

    But fear no more: Illinois has finally decided to solve this age-old problem and create a door that can actually, you know, open.

    Let’s praise the Illini construction gods for finally fixing something that has been the go-to joke among University students and alumni alike for decades.

    Once those great, merciful gods have completed this task, we thought of 13 other easy fixes to revolutionize our campus:

    1. Balance the state budget
    2. Exorcise the ghosts of the English building
    3. Eradicate the sticky floors and suffocating smell at KAMS
    4. Win the college football national championship
    5. Assign a Cracked truck to every campus building
    6. Allow no classes to start before 10 a.m.
    7. Bring back the T.I.S. bookstore
    8. Redesign the Foreign Language Building’s labyrinth-like interior
    9. End wind in Champaign. That’s it. Just make the wind stop.
    10. Turn the Morrow Plots into a corn maze and embrace the stereotypes of central Illinois.
    11. Clean the CRCE pool better than Rio’s Olympic pools
    12. Resurrect Harambe
    13. Increase the workplace demand for suffering journalism majors

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