We present the unabridged transcript of Campus Scout’s high-profile interview done by esteemed journalist Lesley Stahl on a special “Decision 2024” episode of “60 Minutes.”

Any transcriptive or typological errors/misunderstandings are not the fault of The Daily Illini, but of the small-minded motley crew over at CBS. 

LESLEY STAHL: TONIGHT on a very special episode of 60 Minutes, we have an exclusive interview with Cam Puscout, the unlikely and out-of-left-field contender vying for the presidency this November. A candidate with a startling and unique platform, Cam Puscout’s write-in candidacy has reached Category 5 strength as his fans across the country clamor for his inclusion in the first presidential debate to be held in Hoboken, N.J., this Fall. Welcome, Cam Puscout. 

CAM PUSCOUT: Cheers, Lesley. Thank you for having me on. Such an honor to be where so many great minds have sat. Did Obama ever sit in this chair?

LS: No… that one’s new. We had to throw the old one out after our Decision 2020 episodes. It reeked of mothballs and Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust. 

CP: What a shame. 

LS: So — your campaign. What a whirlwind it has been. Starting on the Main Quad of University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana-

CP: -Urbana-Champaign-

LS: -and coming to fruition just last week as your name suddenly became a coast-to-coast sensation. You now sit here, the first viable and widely popular write-in candidate for the presidency since John Wayne in 1952.  

CP: It’s been a long road these past few weeks. I’ve gone from campus to campus, spreading my platform and letting young Americans know that they finally have a candidate who sees them eye to eye. 

LS: Eye to eye. Explain.

CP: Well, I suppose not literally eye to eye. If sworn in, I would be the shortest-ever president, beating James Madison by about a foot. However, what I lack in stature, I make up for in conviction. 

LS: That’s something I’m sure the young people will gravitate towards. 

CP: You young people have certainly gravitated, alright. 

LS: You flatter me. 

CP: I wouldn’t dare. 

LS: Your slogan has become a wildfire hashtag, being seen on social media across platforms all last week. Why do you think it’s become such a roaring blaze?

CP: Hashtag Don’tBeBlue has taken a hold of the current cultural zeitgeist. 

LS: What do you mean?

CP: Zeitgeist? It’s a word that means the current social-

LS: I know what “zeitgeist” means. But American wants you to explain-

CP: Lesley, Lesley. If I have to explain, doesn’t that already answer your question? That’s the whole point. If you don’t get it, you’re a part of the problem. 

Cam Puscout takes this moment to look into the camera with a serious glare. He mouths the words, “Number One on Trending, here we come.” 

LS: I apologize, Mr. Puscout. 

CP: Bless you.

LS: I didn’t sneeze.

CP: What a playful young sprite you are, Lesley.

LS: There is a nation out there who needs your message! 

CP: Says who?

LS: All the people voting for you! 

CP: You flatter me.

A long untranscribable pause ensues. Puscout is jovial, Stahl reaching out of frame to uncork a massive flask of sherry. 

CP: It’s five o’clock somewhere.

LS: You realize I haven’t done this since the day we threw out that chair. The bottle still smells like tanning oil. 

CP: You see, that’s what I’m talking about. What America really needs. My opponents don’t understand that. 

LS: I don’t know, Mr. Puscout-

CP: -bless you-

LS: -there just isn’t a place for people like me anymore. We sit here and beg to the skies above to merit some kind of merciful tiny little smidge of intelligible verifiable fact about certain public figures … but all we amount to is the bottom of a bottle. 

CP: Lesley, this isn’t you.

LS: Look what I’ve become. A talking head. This isn’t my beautiful studio. This isn’t my beautiful interviewee. 

CP: No need to get nasty.

LS: You can save us, Mr Puscout.

CP: -bl-

LS: Don’t you dare. Spread your good word. Take the fight to the highest peaks!

CP: First, Lesley, I want to save you. You are more than this. Believe me, I’ve broken the reclining mechanism on much worse chairs than this one. 

LS: There is no reclining mechanism.

CP: Exactly. America needs us both. And I need you. 

Lesley clears her throat and wipes her eyes. Mr. Puscout extends a gentle hand, patting her on the head.

CP: There, there. Now, who’s the great interviewer?

LS: I am.

CP: Say it louder for the viewers!

LS: I AM! 

CP: My name is Cam Puscout, and this is my America — where we can heal, and all become one again! No more taxes! No more debt! No more crooked wheels on Target shopping carts! But, we can’t do it alone! I am America — and you are too! 

LS: Oh, glorious day! 

CP: God bless you! God bless CBS! And God bless America!

LS: Cam Puscout 2024! 

-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-

Narrator: We will return after these messages. 

Don’t touch that dial- stay tuned to see where Scout’s road to 600 Pennsylvania Avenue takes him next time!