The hierarchy of the U.S. political universe is about to change. 

On stage tonight, for one night only, the greatest minds in the nation will come together in the most anticipated political event since the CNN spin-room following the 2024 Presidential Debate. 

Now, the true test of adequacy for the seat of commander in chief can finally be underway in Primetime — the Collegiate Pseudonym Debate is coming to your TV screens live tonight. It will air at 2 a.m. CT on the beautiful and spacious floor of Madison Square Garden, located in Madison Square in the far-south Industrial District of Detroit. 

An invitation has been sent to all satirical alter-egos of the major Midwest universities to gather in one spot to demonstrate their political views — and garner followings. The notable among the attendees is the originator of the recent wave of satirical alter-egos throwing their hat in the ring — the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign’s very own Campus Scout. 

This is a golden opportunity for Scout to finally demonstrate his idealism through policy discussion and deep rhetoric with generous 30-second periods for response. 

Also invited to the debate is the Baron Lampoon III hailing from the prestigious Harvard University, as well as the much-lesser Scout-inspired Quad Curator hailing from the little-known newspaper based out of a dorm basement at the University of Illinois at Chicago. 

The moderator of the debate, ABC World News’ very own David Muir ventriloquist, Harvey Trisk, is still awaiting an RSVP from several other participants, including the University of Notre Dame’s Observer publication’s Larry the Leprechaun — who is still at large, in a manner of speaking. 

Mr. Trisk has decades of experience operating life-size humanoid shapes from behind desks, so he is fully looking forward to the chance to finally operate his very own humanoid shape from behind the moderator desk. 

Trisk made an effort to assure the American people that his questions would be hard-hitting and thought-provoking, quoted in a pre-game chat with 60 Minutes’ Lesley Stahl. 

Prior to the debate, the unexpectedly overnight-famous Campus Scout has been upping his self-promotion to an extravagant degree. Reportedly using the proceeds from a massive Cold War artifact auction held last month outside Champaign’s Black Dog Tavern, Scout has purchased pop-up advertisements on popular social media platforms including BeReal and Clash of Clans. 

Whenever a town hall is attacked, or an unseemly candid photograph is taken of one’s barren bedroom wall, a full-screen wide-grinning portrait of Scout’s blue visage erupts on one’s phone screen. Scout’s target demographic of America’s youth will find it difficult to escape his ubiquitous presence online. 

In the hours leading up to the Debate of the Month, as local Michigan television and radio stations have dubbed it, Scout has been traveling top-down by chauffeured convertible through downtown Detroit, waving and throwing out massive blue and orange campaign buttons. 

Many knowledgeable pundits around the nation have been placing their bets on who will emerge victorious in the debate, with a majority favoring the noble Baron Lampoon III. Knowing the Baron’s penchant for going positively catatonic when faced with questions on labor policy, Scout will only need to stay conscious for the duration of the debate to emerge on top. 

As for the other candidates, Mr. Trisk mentioned his lack of interest in any other responses aside from Scouts’. 

Lesley Stahl quoted him earlier, repeating, “This cerulean genius deserves his time in the spotlight. Baron Lampoon III can kiss my blue-collar-country bumpkin behind.” 

The garden on Madison Square will be spacious enough to squeeze in an entire pair of bleachers sequestered from the local Little League baseball field next to the meat-packing facility. Scout’s podium will be located center-stage, right above the geranium bushes.

Much discourse has surrounded Scout’s enthusiastic legions of supporters, especially in the light of many developments within the Democratic party. 

Scout’s only reply, however, has been to emphasize his standing as an Independent. He stresses his disdain for baby-back barbecue ribs and his love for freshly caught New England snapper.  

Even as Mr. Trisk’s desk is being wheeled out to the garden, murmurs emerge of bad publicity for the Baron, as multiple past comments of his regarding the Third Amendment. In the wake of this bombshell discovery, many of his supporters have turned their social media backing to Scout, like rats off a sinking ship.

To be clear, Scout firmly opposes the boarding of British troops in American dwellings. 

No matter the outcome of the debate, Scout will be forced to consider the impact of his massive fame on the upcoming Democratic National Convention. Should his write-in campaign follow its clear trajectory to the stars, he may garner the support he needs from unexpected places. 

Tune into the Debate of the Month, live from the garden on Madison Square, Detroit, this morning at 2 a.m. CT. This is truly one piece of public discourse you will not want to accidentally DVR on Hulu Live Recorded Content while misclicking next to “The Bear.” 

Stay tuned to see where Scout’s road to 600 Pennsylvania Ave. takes him next time! 

Will he win the support of America? Don’t touch that dial!