Oh, happy day!
The Department of Agriculture has allowed Campus Scout to reenter the University following his on-air hippo consumption fiasco, and he returns with glad tidings.
Using the skills that led his wildly popular podcast and 400-level communication course to success, Scout gained great favor in the court of King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud. Saudi Arabia largely took to Scout’s deeply incisive social commentary on-stage, and he propelled himself into short-lived comedic stardom.
However, his heart yearned for home, and Scout can now gladly announce his $100 million donation to The Daily Illini, thanks to the generosity of Salman. His Majesty is reportedly a big fan of food trucks, and Chambana Eats inspired him to contribute to central Illinois student journalism.
This incredible act of generosity comes with no caveats, with The DI still free to dip its toes into a variety of different stories — just as His Majesty dips his toes into many different industries.
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Scout is excited to unveil the first expansion of The DI, the Uber© motor news section, which will cover the latest in hot rods and vehicular accomplishments with aplomb.
Also in final stages of development are the Activision-Blizzard© traffic scanner and subsequent Crash Bandicoot© highway pileup notification system, both implemented to keep the roads of Champaign-Urbana safe.
Scout is also wisely using the prestige of the donation to get other small entrepreneurial ventures to fund more ambitious initiatives for the paper.
For example, he visited Vevey, Switzerland, via private Boeing© invisible jet to meet with Nestlé© CEO Philipp Navratil, who is reportedly a big fan of our cerulean satirist. Now, Scout will regularly drive The DI HotPocketmobile© up and down Green Street, tossing out free warm slices of savory flavor wrapped in the front five pages of this year’s Housing Guide.
As soon as he finishes that task, Scout will drive his Gerber© Baby Scooter to the new Kit Kat© DI office. Scout commissioned it atop the recently built Nesquik© Center for Young Adult Literacy, above the crumbled remains of the old Undergraduate Library.
At the Nesquik© Center for Young Adult Literacy, Scout is drawing initiatives for the Häagen-Dazs© First Amendment Center. This is where budding Nestle©-funded journalists can unwind after a long day covering the biggest stories — like the release of the absolutely mouthwatering new California Pizza Kitchen© dill pickle pizza for only $7.69!
Scout does admit that this new surge of cash has also benefited him personally. The Saudi branch of Electronic Arts© has allowed him an ultra-secret sneak-peek at Madden NFL 47, which is already in development. Scout was thrilled to play as the reanimated corpse of Walter Payton, as well as Aaron Rodgers in his 43rd straight season.
Despite his personal gain, Scout will donate to many charities with his new wealth, including the fund for melting the frozen Sanpellegrino© underground spring that has trapped hundreds of Arctic seals under the Greenland ice. To welcome a new age of student journalism, Scout hereby seeks to endorse small startups with his notoriety. So stop by the Starbucks© WPGU 107.1 coffee stand to learn more about on-air reporting and how to get involved with any type of media on campus!
*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*
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