An old Italian proverb says, “Behind every great man there’s a great woman.” If Sen. John Kerry agreed, he would have consulted the Italians before his pre-emptive marriage proposal to Teresa Heinz. She was his first failed global test, and an attribute that makes him even more unfit for command.

Teresa Heinz-Kerry is out of touch with the concept of the United States. She was born Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferriera to a wealthy family in Mozambique that sent her to expensive private schools. After moving to the United States, she found soon-to-be Sen. John Heinz III of Heinz Ketchup and married into even more cash. After his death in 1991, Teresa Heinz inherited the ketchup fortune and married Massachusetts moneyman John Kerry – a match made in heaven. Kerry launched his flip-flop presidential campaign with her cash; Teresa flipped her Republican registration to become a Democrat; and they both flopped on paying taxes. Claiming a combined income of $6.8 million in 2003, the Kerrys only gave about 13 percent to Uncle Sam – far less than the average taxpayer. While they don’t “run the business,” John and Teresa hold a hefty chunk of Heinz stock (corporate insiders, what?). Thanks, but I’ll take Cheney’s retired Big Oil instead of Heinz’s employed Big Ketchup.

If you refuse to associate yourself or your wallet with the crazy ketchup woman and her gigolo husband, Bush Country Ketchup (bushcountryketchup.com) and W Ketchup (wketchup.com) are both tasty alternatives for your condiment needs. Personally, I prefer Bush Country, which has a slightly deeper color and zesty tang.

Unlike her husband, Heinz-Kerry has been consistent on the campaign trail. She has repeatedly made off-color remarks whenever she opens her mouth. In one June 2003 interview, she pointed out that “everybody has a prenup” and she would “maim” John Kerry if she caught him cheating. When asked about dropping the hyphenated last name, she eloquently responded, “Now, politically, it’s going to be Teresa Heinz-Kerry, but I don’t really give a s***, you know?” After she recently told a reporter to, “shove it,” I wouldn’t be surprised if, as first lady, she told Jacques Chirac to go to hell. More respected in the world, John? Yeah, right.

Last week, Heinz-Kerry was at it again, telling USA Today that she was unsure that first lady Laura Bush ever held “a real job.” In fact, Laura Bush was a public school teacher and librarian in Texas for 10 years. Never gaffing, always graceful, Mrs. Bush has epitomized the first lady position by championing awareness of women’s health issues and by pushing for education and literacy not only in the United States, but internationally as well.

There’s a place for Teresa Heinz-Kerry, but it certainly isn’t in Washington. Between her thickly accented slurs and her craving for power, she embodies every quality of “the ugly American” that is despised worldwide. As the Kerry team scrambles to mop up Teresa’s rhetorical spills in the last days of the campaign, more voters are realizing that the Heinz-Kerry duo embarrass the United States, proving that money cannot buy class or the White House – just a whole bunch of ketchup.

Chuck Prochaska is sophomore in LAS. His forum runs Mondays. He can be reached at [email protected].