The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

Satire | Opinion | Become part of the pro-death movement today

Anna Fedczuk

I’ve never been one to partake in political debates. I just can’t be bothered to care about our future president, my local senator or the livelihood and freedoms of millions of citizens in one of the largest democracies in the world. It’s just not for me!

So, as election season draws near, I am faced with the frankly dull job of combing through candidates and understanding talking points. 

That was until I remembered what exactly it is I care about — death.

I am all for more death. We keep working towards safer and healthier solutions which are ridiculous, insane and, frankly, not something I can support.

The best part about supporting death is that you’re already doing it. That’s right! By doing absolutely nothing, you are contributing to the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians around the world. Congratulations.

Get The Daily Illini in your inbox!

  • Catch the latest on University of Illinois news, sports, and more. Delivered every weekday.
  • Stay up to date on all things Illini sports. Delivered every Monday.
This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.
Thank you for subscribing!

You probably think I’m exaggerating, but our inaction on important issues is driving the Grim Reaper’s chariot across this great country of ours. 

Take drug manufacturers. They’ve historically been anti-death, but they’ve recently turned it around by raising prices on those important medications. In the past two years, prices on 1425 and 1460 drugs were raised respectively.

Less medication is the perfect way to push the death agenda, and thankfully, big pharma is right by our side.

Our legislators are working hard to cause more deaths every day as well. Take the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Sure enough, about 68,000 women died from unsafe abortions in 2009. And that was when abortion was still legal in the United States.

Indeed, big strides in the pro-death movement.

But if you want to play a more active role in the death of yourself and your loved ones, it’s as easy as buying a bottle of water. After all, we’re already producing 430 million tons of microplastics a year, so a couple more grams won’t change much. 

Especially when it’s all probably going into our blood anyway. 

Speaking of blood, keep yours to yourself. With an anti-life agenda, we can’t be expected to lend our own precious and limited supply to others. Preserve that red life nectar and keep it away from others’ veins because if they really deserved it, would they have lost it in the first place?

The pro-death agenda is accessible to the masses, especially since opportunities to promote unfortunate demises surround us every day. 

Maybe your friend’s bungee jumping harness seems a bit too tight. Perhaps that railroad crossing light is a bit too bright. There’s a good chance that such a massive scuba diving air tank is so heavy it needs to be emptied a bit, right? 

We’re lucky to live in a nation where grassroots pro-death movements aren’t the only necessary routes to this end. In our republic, we have the chance to elect representatives who will pursue this in our stead. 

We can rest safe knowing that — Democrat or Republican — our government will make sure more people will die every year. So when you get to that voting booth, mark whatever you want and go about your day! 

Get a coffee from union-busting Starbucks or get some Chick-fil-A, whose owner donated to organizations working to derail the Equality Act. You’ve done your part, and you can rest assured knowing that, like me, you’ve caused more death and negativity in the world today.

Let’s be real: The only reason we care about voting is for the “I voted” sticker you get to post about afterward.


Amartya is a freshman in LAS.

[email protected]

More to Discover
About the Contributor
Anna Fedczuk
Anna Fedczuk, Graphics Editor
ILLordle: Play now