The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

Satire | Campus Scout | All aboard the Scout Charter

Roused from his deep slumber in his tent pitched in the now-indefinitely condemned Campus Scones restaurant in the Illini Union basement, Scout sat up straight with a new entrepreneurial pursuit brewing in his brilliant mind. 

This mustard seed of innovation was planted in Scout’s head following his many mysterious travels over the summer, during which he was treated to the full monty of public transportation and its many joys. 

Scout now proudly presents the upcoming launch of his latest enterprise: the Scout Charter.

Personalized to each individual student, Scout’s new bus service operation out of Chambana will combine the best of both worlds of comfort and promptness when it comes to undergraduate transportation.

Using its fleet consisting of a singular school bus that was decommissioned by the Illinois Department of Transportation after being dubbed “an asbestos-ridden rat trap on wheels,” Scout is thrilled to finally redeem the reputation of this priceless vintage vehicle that he purchased at a police homicide division auction back in 2005.

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Scout is more than thrilled for the maiden voyage of HAM PUBS, otherwise known as the only letters spared by years of decay and rust on the side of the CHAMPAIGN PUBLIC SCHOOL bus.  

From quickly shuttling students from Noyes to Davenport in five seconds flat to embarking on a cross-country quest to deliver a California native home for the holidays, Scout’s service offers customizable transportation plans, each arranged for every student’s individual needs.

Captain Scout, as your friendly bus driver would like to be referred to, will be at the wheel 24/7 until his passengers are all safely delivered. Fortunately for the time-crunched student, since the Illinois Department of Transportation no longer legally considers HAM PUBS a registered viable vehicle, it does not have to bow down to any trivial traffic laws.

As your gondolier on your journey of comfort and ease, Scout will delight in shuttling students himself. No matter the day or hour, the Captain will be at his passengers’ beck and call.

Dial-A-Scout, the service both installed and promptly decommissioned in 1999 when he gave out advice on how to properly destroy one’s computer ahead of Y2K, will be back online for the duration of the Scout Charter’s run. Considering Scout’s sole role as the driver, expect arrival times to range from thirty-seven minutes to four days following one’s initial drop-off time.

Luckily, the potentially lengthy voyages aboard HAM PUBS will be more than bearable after Scout’s extensive renovations on the vehicle. Services such as retractable wall charcuterie boards and overhead cigarette lighters will be available upon departure. 

The journeys themselves will be as simple as losing oneself in the Morrow Plots during a midnight game of Capture the Flag. Simply meet at Scout’s bus stop somewhere in front of a fire hydrant on First Street at midnight on the first of every month. There, luxurious transportation awaits.

Scout is exceedingly proud of this latest venture, and he hopes that after all these years of silently observing and occasionally meddling with the campus, he can finally give back to the Chambana community with a convenient and affordable transportation service. 

As the maiden voyage of Scouts’ flagship enterprise approaches, the Illinois innovators will have to full-on sprint to keep up with our favorite cerulean satirist. The financial and culinary cataclysm of Campus Scones is in its dust — the Scout Charter is indeed the future.

Come as you are. Your yellow federally decommissioned gondola awaits. 


*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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About the Contributor
Campus Scout
Campus Scout is The Daily Illini's satirical columnist and is quite the character. Their identity, as per tradition, is kept a secret. Scout is known to make riveting social commentary and uses only the most reliable (fictitious) sources. Scout has been a part of the University for decades, disappearing briefly but returning as a writer in 2021 to cause a ruckus about the things that matter.
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